Tuesday, November 25, 2014

When my former self talks to my former self.

Oh man. I did it. I went into the vault of this here blog to the large stack of drafts, and started reading. Some of the things I've read made me shake my head in shame for ever writing such tripe nonsense, and some just left me laughing and thinking, "Oh, silly girl." In order to be true to my former self, I'm going to post some, because, well, why not?

Excuse the formatting of all of them. I was planning on editing them and changing them to look like an adult wrote it, instead of a Junior High student, but come on... this juvenile hoopla is more endearing.

I mean, girl's got spirit!!


I was snuggling Hugh on the big blue chair. He ended up falling asleep in my lap after I tricked him into pretending like he was asleep---- uhhhh me for the win! Anyway, it was wonderful. I got to sit and stare at him for an uninterrupted hour or so. And I thought about how badly my heart longed for him, years before he even came. How difficult my pregnancies have been. How much loss has/is associated with growing my little family.

I told myself that I have felt really jipped.
I surprised myself with the sincerity in my voice. I meant it.

In no way has this journey been easy.
I have not been given the easy card. Not once.
And that is just so unfair.

And I just sat and stared at my second born with this lump beating in my heart.

Then something happened.
My voice from 2006 spoke to me. It was the voice a different defeated and heart broken soul. Yet it was all familiar. I remembered her. This girl wanted babies. Buckets full of babies. And she had not one to call her own, instaed several miscarriages under her belt. That girl had been to infertility doctors, and taken several medications to try to remedy this, and honestly, at this point, she didn't really know if it would ever happen.

And that girl spoke to me.

"You have everything I've ever wanted."

And I sat. Frozen. "But my heart still hurts..."

"But you have everything I've ever wanted."

And I brushed the hair out of my three year old baby's face. My fingers circled his eyes, and traced his bright red lips.

Tears ran down my cheeks.

I thought of his big white haired brother. That boy. He made me a mother. He made me.

And the voice seemed to nod.

But my heart bulged: what about the other brother. My Walt. He died.
He died.

I want him here.

My own heart started to beat faster. And this body. This good for nothing body, that can't procreate to save it's life.

It has failed me.

"But you have everything I've ever wanted." continued to echo in my ears.

Trying to grasp at strings in order to hold my ground that my life has been so unfair. I closed my mouth to keep from shouting: but those failed placements!! They still hurt and taunt my aching heart. The babies that I gave my whole heart to, that took a piece of my heart when they left my life.

But then, our curly haired baby brother sleeping in the other room. Those curls! His smile. He miraculously found us. He made it home, too. To me. My son.

And I had to hold my chest, because I thought it was going to break right open:

"But you have everything I've ever wanted."

And I sat.

I held the words in my hands, as if tangible.

Turns out,

I have everything I've ever wanted.

Right now, in my life, there is something that I wanted at sometime, more than anything in the world. There is a lot of turmoil, disappointment, and frustration, but there is something. Something perfect. Something that at one poing in my life was the only thing. And I have that. Right now. Something.

I clearly have some damage control going on in this heart that continues to surprise me with it's depth of those dark holes of pain, packed full of "what if's" and "I wants".

So, I decided to be happy. That part is up to me. Nothing is going to change. I can't take back the wrongs or to fix all the hurt and unjustices. Choices have been stripped from me; there will always be things that I hurt for, and long for. But gosh dangit, for the dreams that have come true, for the impossibles that did work out in my favor, for the "something" that is a part of my life everyday, for the"something" that I prayed for and has graced my presence, and for every breath held, every hope dreamed, all the love of 2007, I am choosing to be happy.

Because in her eyes, I'm living the dream!


  1. Yea, I'm so so so glad your back (for good hopefully)!

  2. Okay... just so you know... of everything I have read in the past several months... THIS is the one thing that has really hit home. This spoke to me so much! Thank you Taylor.