Our dear MJ

Oh "BABY".......... just in case you care.

by MJ on Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 11:49pm

So as many of you know these last few months have been....uhhh challenging to say the least. In the beginning of February I found out that I was going to be a mom and expected my life to change forever. As exciting as a moment most would think that would be, it was just about the opposite. With it soon becoming a very, very public affair the situation went from stressful to quite disastrous in a matter of no time. For the most part *B and I have been pretty private about our personal business and have not made a public statement. Those close to us are aware of the situation, as aware as they can be and have respected our decision to keep it that way. *B has been very focused on his future as well as I have, and has made it very clear that what is done with this child is up to me and he will support me.

Over the last few months I have had my eyes opened up to more then I can imagine. I have been forced, in a way to "grow up" and start making some life changing decisions. I decided that I would move home so that I could be close to my family and have their assistance whenever possible and or needed. They have been so incredibly supportive and I couldn’t ask for a more loving family. Moving home as been a blessing in disguise and I’m glad I made the decision to be "banished" from Provo. (Stupid frathouse sports.com)

The first few weeks of my pregnancy were really just getting use to the fact that I was all over the internet and actually pregnant, you know....the initial shock of everything. I was sad that most of you couldn’t hear it from my mouth and that you found out via Google or from someone else and for that I would like to apologies. I value the relationships I have with all of you and it hurt me that something so private and personal became "this week’s story"..... Anyways after the shock factor went away and it started to settle I knew that I had some challenging and curtail months ahead and I wanted to be prepared. I came to a lot of you on your opinions of raising a child and adoption and I started looking into LDS family social services (an adoption agency). I read articles, books, watched videos, read blogs, facebooks, had many conversations with many people, family, friends, the lady at the nail place.... and most importantly went to my Heavenly Father. I knew that I couldn’t get through the 9 months without making my decisions early on and being completely sure. I knew that either way I wanted to be prepared and that if I was going to be mommy that I would be the best damn mom this kid could ever have and if I was going to give him to another family that I was absolutely 100% sure that they were the right family. I started looking into families quite early and even though I was set on keeping this baby I wasn’t going to cancel out adoption. I met with my bishop every week sometimes more than once, talked to my parents all the time, and prayed to know what to do harder then I have ever prayed for anything in my entire life.

When I first saw Taylor and Chris's picture with their little boys Hue and J, I about died. If ever you have looked at a picture and said, "wait I know them" then you'll know exactly what I’m talking about when I said "how do I know them?!" haha Truth is, I hadn’t known them, at least to my knowledge. AND little did I know that I would soon get to know them a little too well! Taylor and Chris put up a blog type page on LDSFS and they had a link to their blog which I immediately stalked. I started reading about their family and the boys and blah blah blah. I wrote Taylor an email and to my surprise she responded so quickly and inattentively. After e-mailing her back and forth a few times and convincing her I was in fact REAL I started to notice how comfortable and easy it was to talk to her. It felt as if I were talking to a friend I hadn’t talked to in a few years and we were just catching up. I told Taylor that I hadn’t made my decision as to what I was going to do yet but I wanted to be prepared either way. If she had responded any other way then the way she did she probably wouldn’t exist in my life right now ha-ha she told me that her and Chris started the adoption to not only expand their family but to be a support and an outlet for girls and boys who needed to talk and vent about just about anything. I knew right then and there that she meant what she said and that even if I didn’t end up giving her my baby that she would still be a part of my life. I started to open up more and more and we soon became friends on face book! hahaha jk, well we did but we ended up establishing an ETERNAL relationship. (Ya Taylor, I said it, prepare yourself for that one.) Haha If you haven’t guessed by now, Chris and Taylor Pierce are my ADOPTION FAMILY!! YAYAYYAYAAYAYAAYA! Haha but really, after much prayer and thought I finally felt at piece with my decision and KNEW in my heart that it was the better decision for everyone involved.

Everyone keeps asking me how I knew, or how I finally made the decision of adoption.... When I really think about it I don’t have just one or two reasons I have 2486745867482765245 reasons. Most importantly I wanted my baby to have a father and with *B being away and focused on basketball and his future I knew that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted. I knew that when my baby got sick he wasn’t going to be able to have a blessing right away, or be protected by the priesthood every night he went to sleep or be baptized by dad, or pass the sacrament with dad, or leave on a mission with dad as an example. I knew that as good a person *B may be that he would never be that to our child. I knew that financially I would be able to find ways to provide and make sure this baby was fed and clothed but I wouldn’t be able to do it alone, or be with him as much as I wanted to working 2 jobs to make that possible. I knew that if I wanted to finish school and finish the Police Academy that I couldn’t do that with a baby and again ALONE and BY MYSELF. I finally realized that if I loved this baby as much as I kept saying I did, that I would give him to a family that could provide all those things and MORE. After meeting Chris, Taylor and the boys I knew INSTANTLY that they were going to be the family once I made my decision. I absolutely fell in love with their humor, testimonies, care free attitudes, loving nature and most importantly as parents. They have two of the happiest baby boys I have ever come across. I love Hue and J as if they were related to me, and in a sense they soon will be. I couldn’t be more sure that they will be the best big brothers and that Chris and Taylor will be the best parents.

One of my dearest and closest friends and I were having a discussion the other day about my decision and she asked me, "J, you of all people.....how are you going to be able to get through this? How are you going to be able to hand over this baby and not want to kill yourself?" I laughed and said "I’m sure I will want to kill myself after labor" but I took the opportunity to bare my testimony to her. I explained to her that I had a confirmation from my Heavenly Father that I knew what I was doing was the best and right choice for me. I knew that my Heavenly Father was so aware of my situation and was not going to leave me in my time I need. I know that as hard as it may be, and as hard as it will be that after everything is all said and done that this child and I will both be blessed and better off. Most importantly I know that my Heavenly Father does not give me trials that I cannot overcome. He would never throw anything my direction that he knew I couldn’t catch. I knew that he had sent his son Jesus Christ before me to suffer my sins so that I wouldn’t have to. That Jesus Christ, if nobody else understands the pain and sorrow I am and will feel during all of this. I know that because of my faith and because of my decision that I will be able to be blessed and move on with my life, find my eternal companion and have my own eternal family. I know that Heavenly Father loves this little boy inside my so much that he is willing to take matters into his own hands and make sure that he is placed where he belongs. There is not a doubt in my mind that Chris and Taylor just showed up out of nowhere. I know it is because Heavenly Father has a plan for them and this baby just like he has a plan for you and I.

I wasn’t sure if at that moment I was supposed to say "in the name of Jesus Christ AMEN!" or not so I didn’t....that probably would have been awkward considering she isn’t a member but after I stopped rambling for a min she just looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "good for you."

The last few months have been crazy and although there are many more, I look forward to watching this child grow and learn and laugh and play and to see how my own life turns out. I’m grateful for the relationships I have made over the years with many of you and even the more recent ones. You have all had an impact on my life and been an example to me in many ways. I hope this clears up some of the questions you have. Thank you for the support and the love and friendship you have given me over the years and especially recently. I love you all!

--MJ !!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 Nephi 31;20

.HOPE.