The story of Grif. {PART 5}

We were in the room when she relinquished her rights to her son. Her small hospital room, where our lives were diverging, dissolving from what was before we entered. Neither of us would leave this room unshaken.

I played on the floor with the four children in the room; they were all Grif’s family now. M’s face caught my eye. I studied the face of my son’s mother. I watched her listen to each word that the Attorney spoke. The words were harsh. With diligence, she signed each line.

The baby started fussing in the bassinet. I reached in and picked him up. As I held my new son, Grif’s beautiful half-sister came and crawled onto my lap. She told me how beautiful her baby was, and how much she loved him. In an instant, all four children were surrounding our baby. Grif’s half-brother proudly declared the baby to be the most loved baby, because "we all get to share him". Oh the mouths of babes...

I noticed the Attorney started to gather up the paper work. It was time to go; I stood up and walked across the room to hand M our son. I started picking up all the toys that laid around the room, packing up the kids backpacks full of the gifts we had brought for them.

And then time stood still. I stood frozen, quietly observing from across the room. I could not move, or look away.

I watched M say goodbye to her son.

The woman that had stayed strong this entire time, had to break her own heart now. She turned her back to her children that were now dancing in circles with my other two in the middle of the room, and held that dear sweet baby tightly to her body. He melted into her. She whispered into his ear, and I saw her cry for the first time. She kissed him. Then, the strongest woman in the world, brushed the tears off her cheeks.

Then squared her shoulders, and was ready to go.

That small moment shook me.

It took all my strength to not burst into tears right then. The complexity was making it hard it breathe. My joy was her sorrow. My heart was being filled with the gaping holes that were now her own. Her shattered heart filled mine. We all walked through the hospital, and down the elevator. After many promises and all the love exchanged you could fathom, M got into her car, and we got into ours. The moment her car pulled away, I thought I would pass out. I doubled over in our car. I began sobbing. Uncontrollable, aching, large tears.

I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was able to leave the hospital with this perfect little boy--- all because I was given a different life. Our lives were not parallel, but perpendicular enough to meet at this moment. And I felt like I was the one walking away, uninterrupted. I couldn't stop shaking. The magnitude of the pain she was going to face, became encompassing, and I didn't think I could do it.

I sobbed. For hours.