For My Natalie

There was this boy.

Gavin.

He was a blonde boy, with a bronzed body. I know, because he never wore a shirt. But, he did have some well worn overalls. Oh, and stunning smile! He was handsome. Beautiful. One time, Chris had to help him sell his truck. Ya know, because he decided he wanted to take a vow of silence for a week. Just for fun.

But he had to sell his truck.

But he couldn't speak.

Just because.

So Chris had to translate for him...

None of which made much sense, because he would scribble on a piece of paper, and then have Chris read it to the guy who was trying to buy the car. The guy could have just read the paper, but Gavin wanted Chris to read it. Chris laughed the whole entire time, but Gavin was taking his silence very seriously. Normal. Right?

Or his birthday party. He decided he wanted to have a jousting tournament. On the beach! So, he gathered up these random metal plates, that he lined up on the beach for the run way. And bikes. And the most un-protecting-protection-gear....made out of buckets, and random junk he found. And he did it! He really did! People got on those ridiculous bikes, wore the "gear" (which I'm sure caused more harm then not), and actually rode towards eachother, holding long "jousting sticks" (broom sticks and pillows I think?), eventually ending in a pile of metal, plastic, and blood. Again and again. There was eyons of people present! It was a riot.

Oy.

I remember when he died.

He was my sister-friend's dear brother. I was 9 + forever months pregnant. I remember picking up the children to go swimming. Feeling numb. Incapable. I hugged her, kissed her mother. They are like family, ya know? The week was a blur.

And then my water broke. As I sat in the hospital, I swore I could make it to funeral. Sure, I had just had a baby five hour earlier, but I could do it. It wouldn't be a big deal. As I swung my feet off the side of my bed to stand up, I realized I wasn't going anywhere. I kissed my husband goodbye, and sat holding my brand new baby for hours. Just the two of us.

Hours later, my dear, sweet husband was cuddled into my body. This time, he was sobbing. Overwhelmed. His first born son was born hours earlier, yet he had just come from our dear friends funeral. It was the Plan of Salvation! All of it. In a matter of hours.

Gavin Link left the Earth four years ago today.

Just days before J Taylor Gavin entered.

And then there was this baby.

I remember the first time I held Baby Gavin Norton. I couldn't stop staring at him. He was beautiful!! Oh gosh, the kid was beautiful. I couldn't stop saying it either. He was balm to my aching heart; wanting a precious new born of my own. I was recovering from my ectopic pregnancy. Holding him was as if the child was mending back my heart. I felt calm.

I knew everything would be ok.

I will always remember exactly where I was the moment I found out he was gone.

I held the phone to my ear, defying to believe what I had just heard. I dropped the phone. I was standing at the top of my stairs. I fell to my knees. Sobbing. Shaking. I immediately felt light headed and nauseous. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't breath. It shook me to my core. I had only just held him! This was all wrong.

I bought the first ticket I could to Hawaii, and made one of the hardest trips I have ever made. Those two weeks, felt like I was walking in some sort of daze. I wanted to rip opens my Natalie's heart, and glue it all back together. But I could do nothing. I felt so helpless. I could only "BE" with them. Every night, I sat in bed, with her middle son, who was just trying to cope, sound asleep on my lap. I would comb my fingers through his hair, with tears silently streaming down my face, as my own Hugh lay sound asleep next to me. I would go to bed exhausted, and wake up exhausted. I couldn't comprehend her pain. My heart was heavy. I wanted to be home with my husband.

Days and months passed, and before long I was due with a little babe of my own; he was due the same day Gavin left for Heaven. We celebrated together! Every day, without fail, she checked in on me. She might have been an Ocean away, but I knew her heart was with mine. Before too long, Natalie was at my door. I was on bed rest, and my boys were shipped off to San Diego. I remember the night Richie and Natalie dragged us to the movie theatre. I'm sure I hadn't showered in 5 days or longer, because standing up that long would certainly cause me to pass out. I was averaging 18-20 "episodes with the ivory bowl" a day at this point, but my dear friends brought me cheer! They brought me their love. They just wanted to "BE".

I am forever grateful.

And today, I got a package:

When I opened the package, I actually gasped. Baby clothes. A box full, full, full of baby clothes. Baby boy clothes. I immediately started sobbing. My own two little boys were sitting on the bed with me. I quickly grabbed them, and just held them. Kissing them. Thanking them again and again for being in my family. For being here with me. Right now.

As I pulled out each item, I could hear my heart beating louder. He never wore them. Woven into each article of clothing, instead of holes or stains, there were hopes and dreams. I could almost feel the tangible love, the heart, the ache. Most things still had tags on them. I thought my heart might explode. These were meant for him. I let my fingers run over each item, pulling them into my arms, holding them tightly.

Oh, sweet baby Gavin.

I couldn't help but groan.

The pain was physical. Emotional. Spiritual.

My heart ached.

And yet here we are.

Each piece of clothing makes the perfect story. It's about Gavin's and babies. Family and dear friends. Love and deep, suffocating loss. The empty arms, the quite house, the broken heart.

New dreams.

I start weeping again, but this time it's with a grateful heart. A heart too full to speak. None of us are anywhere we thought we would be, when we met all those years ago. Young, wide-eyed and unshaken. We have been carved, chipped, and smoothed over. It's not been an easy task. I have even fought here and there, to hold on to what I believe is most dear to me. As I have learned to let go, to let the Lord mold me into the better version of myself, I'm honored to be found among friends.

I am grateful to have a kindred spirit who has packed up her dreams, willing to let Heavenly Father mold her.

And sent me a message to my heart with a package.

It was the day the world went wrong

I screamed til my voice was gone

And watched through the tears as everything

came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain

As we awake to what remains

and sift through the ashes that are left

behind

But buried deep beneath

All our broken dreams

we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise

and we will dance among the ruins

We will see Him with our own eyes

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise

For we know, joy is coming in the morning...

in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,

and let the tears come washing down,

and if you can't believe I will believe

for you.

Cuz I have seen

the signs of spring!

Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise

and we will dance among the ruins

We will see Him with our own eyes

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise

For we know, joy is coming in the morning...

in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance

and it's not too far away.

You gave me a piece of your heart today. I know it.

And I will hold onto the clothes until it's your turn.