Time flies

So, you haven't heard from us in a while? You think we have fallen off the face of the planet? Well, I guess we sort of did. You see, when I get annoyed/frustrated/disappointed/etc. with this thing people call "life" (I will spare you the details. You are welcome), I really become a recluse. Not like a lone-dove, laying in bed all day, type of thing, but a I-only-care-to-be-with-my-very-own-family type of thing. The Chris, Taylor, J family that I have.

What I would like to do, is board up the windows, eat lots of wonderful treats, and leave an "OUT OF ORDER" banner, strung across my house, so no one will disturb me in my family euphoria. All in the name of cuddle time with these two little men. We didn't go to those extremes, but these last couple weeks, I have spent some great, loving, quality time with the men that mean the most to me in my life. We have been the only ones to exist in our own little world. It's been grand!!

On top of all the madness "life" has thrown our way, I may or may not be a little more emotional than usual (no...). So, a couple weeks back, I had a minor break down about this impending birth that seemed to never be coming. I really felt like three weeks was going to be a death sentence (that happens to everyone pregnant...eventually...right?? No? Just me. Hmmm). Then, it was like this speeding train I was on, came to a screeching halt. I realized how important, significant, special, these last couple, treasured weeks would be with me and my J. I had become so content with my happy little life, with my little man, and so looking forward to this new little human in our life, that I was hoping to fast forward time some how. Then, somehow, the way I looked at J changed.

My heart ached to some how push pause.

Could time stand still? Could I have J alone, just for a little bit longer?? J has been my prince. My dearest. My all. My love. My everything. I know every mother loves their child. Obviously. But, I have this weird chip on my shoulder, where I really do think I love him MORE than most parents love their children. And I'm pretty certain of it... He is our miracle, our "savior" in a way. No, I'm not being blasphemous, for he truly saved a part of our life. He gave us his life, so we could be his parents. Don't argue with me about it, just accept what I'm saying. It's my theory.

Anyway, my mother eyes became more crisp when I would look at him. He was not just my son. He was my son, with this now obvious ticking time bomb attached to it; in the form of my ever growing abdomen. No, I don't think having another child will ruin his life. A matter of fact, I'm certain it will only enhance it, for I love all of my siblings so very much. However, this life that we know, the life where J and I have all day, every day, to go on adventures, laughing our heads off each other, pretending like we own the world, just the two of us, will never be known again.

So as I scrambled to find the pause button on life, the only alternative I could come up with, in order for my heart not to explode for the love I have for this little boy named J, I decided I would have to soak up every minute, every detail, every smile, every tear, every hug, for this our special time, and we would never get it back.

And that is where I have been.