We are out of the hospital.

I'm laying in the most comfortable bed in the world (note to self: we need a new bed. I mean, REALLY we need a new bed) at my in-laws house in San Diego. My drugs are on the night stand, next to a sufficient amount of chocolate. Pillows are a plenty, propped ever so conveniently here-and-there. My hair is still wet from the first shower I was able to take in days. My phone is within reach, and computer propped up on my knees. My two boys went with Grandma and Daddy to go swimming.

And the house is silent.

But my heart is pounding harder than ever, and my tear ducts seem to be connect to my finger tips. I want to tell you everything, but my hands won't cooperate with my heart. I can't explain the last few days (What!? It's already Friday??) in sufficient words.

I'm tempted to turn off the computer, and package up this whole experience, keeping it only for ourselves; however, we both have firmly been told, through several occurrences too sacred to speak about, that this experience is not for us--- write it down. Write it down. Write it down. Again, and again. And I'm not one to ignore The Big Man.

Even if it means I do not think my heart is

physically capable

to complete the task at hand.

This experience has been terrifying.

Through the experiences of loved ones in our life, we have been spared severe pain, that could have easily permeated our souls, had we been walking uncharted roads. We have been able to ride on the shirt tails of terrified friends and family alike, that have gone before, experiencing the unthinkable, and made it out alive. Alive!

And it makes it a little less terrifying.

We have been told countless times that we are strong people. I can attest to you: we are not. We are not. We are not. I am weak. I am incapable. My husband has wailed, and I have curled up in a ball, both while declaring this is not anything we are capable of! We are not strong.

And I think that is the point.

There is a breaking point, where we know we CAN NOT manage to make it.

Experiences we are not capable of.

But here we are.

We are still alive.

Alive!

And most certainly, not because we are strong. We are not supposed to be. But He is.

I will have a firm talk with my hands tonight, and see if we can manage to come up with some of our experiences to share tomorrow. We shall see.