Dance

First off, to preface, is anyone else super emotional AFTER they have a baby?? I mean, I feel like I was fairly level headed (who knows...maybe not) when I was pregnant with both babies; sure, sure, at the end, maybe I was slightly more emotionally fragile. However, now that I am not pregnant, it seems like I should have come to grips with my ever-so-fragile-emotional-state, however, I really can cry about anything---it's not the sad kind of crying, but the deep, emotional, touching, kind of crying. Hmmm...

Anyway..

On Friday, I was SO STINKIN' EXCITED when I got an email from our Ward announcing there was a Stake (married student) Dance! Oh my gosh. I can't even explain how excited I was. I immediately called Chris and told him to cancel all Friday night date plans, because we were going to boogie!! Surfing is to Chris, as dancing is to my soul. And, there are NEVER enough married dances. What gives??

So, Friday night, I tried my hardest to recruit as many people as I could to come to the dance. Not everyone was enthusiastic as I had hoped, but there was no way I was going to miss out on this. For all I cared, I could have been the only one in the room going to the dance, and I would have had a heck (yes, I said heck... after all, I AM from Utah...) of a time, shaking my groove thang. However, I did talk a few of my homies into showing up, which I am grateful for. It's always more fun to dance with other crazy girls (thanks Doretha and Lindsay!!)

At one point in the dance, I had to take a breather. As I was sitting there, taking in the scene, my emotional-post-baby-heart (Hugh is two months old now... I really should be getting my act together) started to beat a little harder. I started to think.

This was a married student dance. Each person there technically "happily married". We had (for the most part, I assume) all made eternal covenants to our spouses, promising each other, along with the Lord, that we would spend the rest of our eternity together; pushing, working hard, trying to do all we can to make it. Together. Promising.

As the slow song came on, each couple magnetically found their other half on the dance floor. As music radiated through out the room, each spouse held the other, certain this love song was written for them. Promising each other how much they loved each other.

Unfortunately, I critically scanned the room. I tried to fathom how many of us really would "make it". I wanted to go to each couple, and take a picture of each and every one of them. Together. I wanted to make them each promise me they would remember this day, this night, this dance, gosh dang it, and "make it". Everyone seemed so in love; so on top of the world. Young love. Can't beat it, eh? Would they all remember how much they loved another a year from now? How about 5? How about seven children, and 25 years from now?

Don't I sound like a wet blanket?

And, unfortunately, that is how my brain has been reeling these days when it comes to this thing called marriage. I have been far too let down, and discouraged by examples of bull crap (for lack of a better phrase), people throwing their eternities away for a good time now. I don't want anything to do with it. I refuse to get down the road and wake up some day wondering what this all was for. So, every day I wake up, I tell Chris how much I love him. Every night I go to bed, I tell Chris how much I love him. And I mean it. Every day I decide to be in love. Every day I decide to give all I can, to make sure my family makes in through the eternities.

I can't count on anyone else to do that for me.

I've also learned nothing is certain. I want to shout at the top of my lungs, when I feel like wrongs have been done. I want to shake some people, and scream at them. Don't you know what you are giving up? Why can't you fight for it? Have you forgotten the love you used to have? I know you danced with him before, holding him, swearing this love song was written for the two of you. You were going to make it. And now you are just walking away. I'm going to be better than that. I'm going to mean forever, when I say forever; not until I simply don't want to anymore.

So, because of this, I will hold what is dear to me, and cling to it, swearing to always hold it dear to me, and never let anything dilute the way I feel. Because of this, today I am more in love with my husband then I was yesterday.

And I choose to fall in love with him again, tomorrow.

...And that, I can promise.