Well, both kids are sleeping.

I feel it's my duty to blog when this occasion occurs, yet daily, I find other things to fill my time... like simply not-blogging. I don't like to blog when I don't feel like it. I feel like I'm cheating myself. Am I making sense?

I don't think much will make sense with this post. Like I said, I'm blogging today as a duty, not as a desire. But, a duty it is, so here I go... I figure as I ramble, I will come up with something. I suppose it has been a while since I've been consistent... I'm getting great at this stalling thing.

I have a best friend named Hanna. When I first met her, I was shocked by her brutally honest demeanor. I'm not talking about always-telling-the-truth honesty, but I'm talking about the innate integrity a person has: about life. Some things in life aren't pretty. And that's that. And she was always honest about it.

I have a precious family. My husband and my two boys. I adore them. They are so good to me. I feel like I have just slipped into this parenting thing, and it fits. I don't feel overwhelmed by two, and actually look forward to bringing more little rug rats around. I tell you this, so you don't assume wrongly why I seem to have disappeard from my blog.

My heart is broken. When my boys are sleeping, and the house is quiet, I can't help but cuddle up to Chris and give it a good cry. I think it's healthy. It's good to say, "I'm not ok with this", whatever your "this" may be. I'm not one of those to hold all my emotions inside. On the contrary, I'm a fairly emotional person, I would say. However, I'm not an open book... not totally.

I'm getting better.

My parents just got divorced. What? You didn't know. I know. I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone, really. It's not so much what lead up to the divorce that makes me wonder how shattered a heart can be, before it simply gives out, but everything else that is permiating from it. And it's leaving it's marks. Deep. And by keeping it all to myself is just eating me alive. I'm withering.

Someone tried to discount my broken heart by saying, "Get over it!" which only dug the dagger deeper. You may think I'm immature, or "when I grow up I will understand", or better yet, "it's none of my business", but you should know every night, I lay in bed with my dear husband, and I feel like I'm suffocating. It's not just about you.

And I feel like I'm going to break.

I resent this ache I am carrying. This is a wonderful, happy, special time in my life! I just gave birth to my second little miracle, and he is already growing so fast. I want to grasp all I can of their little lives. I want to hold them. And never let go. I resent that this time in my life is over shadowed by this dark cloud that seems to hover, daring to take away the light that my own little growing family deserves.

So, every day, I am the weather forcaster. I get to decide. And every day I decide to give my little famliy the warmth and sunshine they deserve. Only after they are tucked into their beds, do I let the rain come.

And it comes.

And it hurts.

And to be totally honest, that is where I have been. Hanna is right. Sometimes things just aren't pretty.