Something to prove...

Well, I officially dropped my classes at UVU. I started College when I was 16. You think that would mean by now I would have finished school. You would think... But, I haven't. Why not? Well, Chris has been on the "wife scholarship" for quite some time now. When we first were married I happily worked full time, putting my deary through school the first year of his aviation career---I figured he had alot longer than I did, so what was the rush.

Then we both planned on attending BYUH together. Within days after arriving here, we found out I was pregnant, and the in-and-out-of-the-hospital stints started almost immediately there after. I didn't have the smoothest pregnancy. Figuring I was dying, I planned on writing school off for a while. Who knew, once 14 weeks would hit, that I would feel like a brand new woman, free from all pregnancy-ailments. Alas, I was too late into the second semester here to do any back tracking with my plans.

Then, we got this rockin job to help us through the last two years of school. Only down fall: One member of the student-spouse team needs to be a student, while the other can't be. Yet again, more time to stall. Now Chris has obviously passed me by on the educational track, with only a semester left after this one, and he has left me in the dust. So, I figured if I could not go to school at BYUH while our family was employed here, I could still take some UVU (go UVSC!!) courses online that they wouldn't know about, just to finish up my degree.

My plan was genius!! I would only have to take two classes this semester and next, two during the Spring, and then one Math class at some point in time, and I would be DONE! Free from all the non-educated doom I had allowed myself to fall into. I was stoked. Really really stoked. I re-applied, got in contact with my counselor to get on the track for graduation, applied for financial aid, and whalah! School started last week.

Then, I get some awful news from the registrar (it is the registrars office, right??) that my tuition would be considered OUT-OF-STATE!! Anyone know what out-of-state tuition is like that that pathetic school!? For TWO classes, I was expected to pay $3047. WHAT ON EARTH??

So, after emailing, calling, emailing, yadda-yadda-yadda, I was denied by 5 different people my former in-state status. Oh, and I talked to EVERYONE that could have helped. They kept passing me up the ladder of command because I was so persistent. I feel like I have payed my dues. I suffered in that desert, long before I came to Hawaii! I was born and raised (more or less) in Utah!! And you won't even cut me a break on tuition?? Where is my justice??

You know the kicker? Chris is taking ONE class from that damned (am I allowed to "damn" a school??) school and... HE HAS IN-STATE RESIDENCY!! What the?? He lived in that state for something pathetic like 9 months, and I, who lived there for almost an eternity has my status "revoked". Of course, I'm not an idiot, and am not going to fight the fact that he is in-state, because he is actually the one that needs this last pathetic class to graduate from here... So I didn't want to bring too much attention to their flaw in the matter. None the less. Idiots.

After weighing the pros and cons, I have decided to, once again, drop out of college. I mean really, who can just fork out $3047 for TWO classes. Who do they think they are??

I'm sad.

Really.

Last night, it really sunk in. As I walked across this campus I so adore, it dawned on me. I could feel the walls screaming me, "DROP OUT!!" Ya ya. It has taken me a long time to get used to the idea that I actually am what I am: A drop out. In the past I have said, "Oh ya, I'm just taking a break..." or whatever pathetic excuse I could come up with for the moment. But, I am owning it: I am a drop out (for now....)

Not by choice. I really was excited to do something productive with my time this up coming year. As I bathed my human, put him to bed, and sang "Love is Spoken Here" I started bawling, because that's what I do---cry over any song. We said our family prayer, and I put J down promptly, walking into my room to sulk on my own. Chris followed my lead, and just layed down beside his crazy-emotional wife, I'm sure totally clueless on what on earth was going inside my head.

He started telling me how proud he was of me (how could he know that's what I needed!!) and how grateful he was for all I was doing. He was doing his wonderful-husband-rant, and I just let him go, until I burst at the seams, because I knew he really had no idea what was wrong with me, "I'm just so sad Heavenly Father doesn't want me to go to school," and almost before I started my sentence, my crying became one of those weird crying/laughing/crying moments, because I knew how stupid it all sounded, but I really was passionate about it! I was crying because I was laughing, and laughing because I was crying. You know what I'm talking about, right??

Well, there you have it. I felt like this whole mishap was Heavenly Fathers way of calmly chastising me, and I didn't approve. "...I mean, why am I not good enough to go to school? I know plenty of wonderful mothers who are 'allowed' to do it! Why can't I?" I said in all my hysterics. I know my brain is twisted. I get that. But I could almost hear the calm voice of reassurance, asking me what I needed to prove to myself. Why did I feel the need to attend school, right now, to feel like I was doing something "productive"? It wasn't just a matter of going to school or not, but the fact that my deep inner-intentions were validating me as a value to society, by attending school.

It was a hard lesson, but I learned that for me, right now, all that is expected, and particularly demanded, is to be a good mother to my 1.5 children, and that would be my duty, my calling. I was pulled off my high horse, to be told that my "validation" at this time is simply being a mother to these sweet little spirits in my family. And that was all that I needed to focus on at this time, and I didn't have to prove anything more.

It's not so much the fact that this school thing isn't working out that bothered me, but more of the fact, that I know it's able to work out for many other people (you know, the whole going to school, working, being a mom thing). I know countless numbers of woman who totally can wing it, while still being FANTASTIC mothers. Why couldn't I be one of those?? I was devastated that I felt like my Heavenly Father was not going to allow that with our family. Not right now. He knew that going to school gave me some kind of worldly status that did not matter to him, and I felt like he wanted me to know that it did not matter to him; that everything I was doing now, was good enough for him. And isn't that what matters??

"I see my mother kneeling with our family each day. I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears, And I am thankful love is spoken here."

I am a mother... and that is good enough for me.